I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly

Things I’m bad at: singing. Things I do a lot: sing.

I decided that I no longer want to be an adult…if you need me, I’ll be in my blanket fort.

My secret fantasy is to have two men at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.

Writing. Like. This. Doesnt. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger. It. Makes. It. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma.

What is the biggest lie in the entire universe... "I have read and agree to the Terms of Service"

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together.

My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.

Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking, “I’m gonna kill- ahh damn! he’s under a blanket…”

That awkward moment when your walking down the stairs and think theres another step and you hulk stomp the ground.

Girls who say “alot of guys are after me” should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.

Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon

Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.

I just don’t have enough middle fingers for today

Sarcasm: because apparently beating the shit out of people is illegal

Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.

Ha ha