Silver Diamond's blog: "Thought for the Day"

This last couple of weeks have been very difficult for me. First I got laid off my job of 2 years, then my boyfriend, Bill, dumped me. Hard. So I decided to get the hell out of dodge for awhile. I thought if I just got away for awhile, I would get better.
So here is the journal I kept while on the road.

Day 1:
Finally left home around 8:30 am. Bill bought me a charger thingy for my phone and 2 flashlights. I made my goodbye as short as possible. That was hard. Probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm still not clear on why I'm getting the shit end of life. Gawd, I am so in love with him. More than even I thought. I felt like a complete fool telling him that I loved him after the fact, but I also didn't want to regret NOT saying it ever. Somehow, I need to shake it off. Driving hasn't helped so far, but I still have a long way to go to attempt to continue this odd journey I'm on.
I had a place set up in Clear Lake, California to spend the night, but that didn't pan out. Figures, the way my karma is going. So, right now, as I'm writing this, I'm at a rest stop about 45 miles north of Sacramento. It is around 10 pm and I'm tired. Hotels in Clear Lake were either ridiculously expensive or just really gross. So I'm parked. Yes, every news story about people getting robbed, raped or killed at rest stops DOES come to mind. Don't worry, my life is at an all time low right now. It can't get much worse.
(Famous last words! lol)

Day 2:
I just woke up with every cramp known to man. My backseat isn't very comfortable. But I did survive the night. I'm having coffee at a tiny diner off of I-5. I'm going to try to eat some breakfast since I failed to eat yesterday. I plan on making it all the way to LA today.
Day 2 later:
I did make it to LA with a stop first at 6 Flags. I had never been before so I was keyed. However, when I got out of my air conditioned car, 6 flags was a fucking oven! By the time I got in the park, got water and some fries, I was so heat stroke I couldn't ride anything. What a waste. I did score a very cool air brushed shirt though. I left the park disappointed that I didn't ride any roller coasters, but I do like the shirt.
I drove around LA and Hollywood. I was bored to tears. Too much going through my head. I can't seem to just stop and enjoy anything. All I can think about is how all this would be so much better if Bill were with me. Dammit!!
Right now, I'm in a Motel 6 in Fortuna, California. I'm going to head east to Tempe, Arizona in the morning. Should take about 4 or 5 hours. My phone has been completely useless since I left Medford, Oregon. It worked for a short time around Sacramento. Just long enough to let Stephani and Bill know I was still alive. I am. In body anyway. I called Steph, texted Bill. I can't hear his voice right now. I can't.

Day 3:
I left Fortuna and headed east. I still have yet to get a plan or a solution to all of this. Driving through the desert was kinda cool. I didn't see any wild cactus until I actually hit Arizona. I only made a few stops for gas, and to pee. The heat is intense in the desert. I was tempted to try to jump into a Dust Devil! I'm not quite sure WHY I was tempted to do that but, what the hell, I didn't, I just kept going.
My phone didn't work until I hit Pheonix. Stupid Cricket. I called Della, but, again, not panning out. With my luck, she went to Germany to see her daughter. Great. I think it is about 118 degrees here.
Thanks to the GPS that Stephi loaned me, I found another Motel 6 in Tempe. So here I sit. A thousand+ miles from home and still not any happier. Still no answers. Still plenty of tears. I think if I can't get a hold of Della in the morning, I will head to Las Vegas. Maybe I'll hit it big there. HA! Not at the rate I'm going.

Day 4:
I woke up this morning at 6am, a little disoriented. Went to the Denny's down the street for coffee. It was 93 degrees at 6 in the morning. I figure I will head out around 10 or 11. I still can't reach Della. She is going to be pissed that she missed me. I still haven't eaten, other than a few bites of a breakfast 2 days ago. I'm just not hungry. Even getting stoned doesn't help. I feel fine physically. Emotionally, not so much.
Day 4 later:
I made it to Vegas. It took about 5 hours. Getting through Hoover Dam was slow going. I had never been there before so I suppose it was nice. It is still a little hard to get excited about anything. I did stop long enough to take some pics.
When I arrived in Vegas, I went to the first major casino I saw. The Stratosphere. I wandered around the casino until I found a nickle slot appropriately named, "Road to Nowhere." I put $20.00 in and ended up getting $80 more. I cashed out and went to find food. I found a cool little 50's themed diner where the wait staff was singing old 50's tunes to the customers. I must say, they didn't suck. Although, the dude singing Elvis was a bit much. I choked down about 6 bites of a chili dog, then left to find a motel.
Which is where I am now. Another Motel 6, on the strip. This one is actually pretty nice. I went wandering through the MGM and New York, New York, but my feet were killing me so I walked back to the motel. I'm still no closer to an answer. Still, no closer to finding my happy place.

Day 5:
I woke up at 7:30 this morning! Whoa, I actually slept in! Grabbed some coffee from the diner next to the motel. I'm not really ready to go anywhere else right now so I decided to stay another night in Vegas. What the hell, I still haven't made any sense to all this. Hooters is right next door. Maybe I'll go check it out today.
Day 5 later:
Yea, so Hooters wasn't anything special. I did win $30 on a penny slot, so I splurged and ordered room service. The dinner was really good and I was shocked that I was able to eat most of it. I even had cheesecake for dessert! Thinkin about going for a walk on the strip. Just to people watch.
Day 5, much later:
I think I know what is wrong. I'm invisible. No one can see the real me. No one cares enough to look deep into my psyche. They are scared of what they might find. Hell, it scares me too. It scares me how much I love.

Day 6:
I woke up around 6am and went next door for coffee. This is my last day in Vegas. I'm going to head out of here. I'm not sure where, maybe go to Reno, might just go home seeing as how it's been 6 days into this and I'm still no closer to any answers.
Day 6 later:
I drove as far as Reno. I had been on the road for a good 6 hours and I was tired. I found another Motel 6 but this one isn't as nice as the one in Vegas, but it will work. I had a pretty good cry on my way through the desert. Didn't solve anything, didn't make it any better. I also took some pictures of a place called Walker Lake. A very pretty area stuck right in the middle of the desert. An oasis, if you will. I saw some wild burros and a couple little tiny rodent type animals that looked like chipmunks with no tail. They were so cute, I'm going to have to look them up when I get back. I also saw the funniest sign that cracked me up so bad I cried again. The sign said, "State Prison Next Exit-Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers." LOL wow really?? Ya think??!!
So, anyway, here I sit, in this dingy motel room, exhausted. My head is still so fucked up. I keep moving from confusion, to sadness, to pissed off, and back again. I can't seem to get a grip on anything. My heart is still, in so much pain. Too much pain. I really thought I just needed a distraction. I thought if I got away from everything......
Fuck, I don't know what I thought.

Day 7:
Woke up at 6:30 and got coffee from the front desk. It's crap, but it's caffeine. I'm going to try to make it back home today. I have about 450 miles to go, I don't know if I'll make it that far, but we'll see. I have mixed emotions about going back. On one hand, I can't wait to sleep in my own bed, hug and kiss my kitties and just be home. On the other, I will probably see Bill at coffee. I'm not sure how I'm going to be. I still love him so much. It just stinks that I love him so much and he can't see the forest through the slimy trees.
Day 7 later:
I'm home. I drove straight through. 10 hours. Ugh. But I'm home. I made it through this adventure mostly unscathed. One entire week of trying to find some meaning in all of this. Find some way to cope with the senselessness of it. I never found my answers. Just more questions. Maybe I won't find an answer. Maybe I'm just doomed to be miserable and alone. Maybe I just need to shut up and get some sleep.
I'm home.